On The Other Side Of Fear

This was the last time I was afraid to do a handstand. The fear that I had was irrational because I have the strength and skill to do a handstand and my body knows how to adjust if I lose my balance and needed to come out of it. You’ll notice that I didn’t actually successfully hold at any point when I do attempt at these handstands. That’s because the fear of doing it was keeping me from using the necessary amount of propulsion to lift myself up. Fear was holding me back from my fullest potential. This is a different kind of fear than being unprepared, lacking in skill, knowing and experience. This is the fear that holds you back from joy.

A few days later I went to a yoga class. Warming up before class, I did a couple of tuck jumps, not expecting to catch myself or hold myself. The first one I jumped I held handstand for almost a full minute. It was in that moment that I realized how ridiculous my fear was. And I was ready to never be afraid of doing a handstand again. Finally. Many times before I would tell myself don’t be afraid, you are totally capable, you’re strong, you have the skill, nothing bad is going to happen, what are you afraid of? Sometimes that mental peptalk would work and sometimes it wouldn’t. But at this moment it was like I had fully digested the fear and pooped it out. It was no longer there. I no longer needed to give myself a peptalk. I finally believed. Beyond believing even, it had become simple fact. As simple as my ability to stand on my feet.

A few weeks later I was leading my yoga teacher training students through an inversion practice. After everybody had an opportunity to explore headstand, some for the first time. I talked a little bit about why certain poses in yoga can be such a powerful tool for exploring yourself, your perceived limitations, and especially fear. I shared how they’ve been certain things in my yoga practice that have given me the opportunity to face fear. And often times our fear keeps us from experiencing joy. If you are afraid to try, afraid to do, you will never get to experience the joy of the doing.

A week or so after this discussion with my teacher trainees I paddled out to surf in the biggest waves that I have ever attempted to surf in. I was definitely apprehensive but I trusted in my skill and knowledge and my ability to manage myself in bigger waves. I told myself that even if I just paddled out and watched the waves for a little bit and then paddled back in it would be a worthwhile experience. One that would add to my skill and knowledge. For a half an hour I sat out the back and watched giant wave after giant wave roll in and I didn’t attempt to paddle for any of them. I was afraid. My own words to my teacher trainees came into my head, “your fear keeps you from experiencing joy.” I said this to myself a few times. Again this is a different kind of fear then being unprepared. I was prepared to surf in these larger waves, I had the skill and knowledge to safely navigate them. Yet I was still afraid. So I told myself to wait for my perfect wave. And I told myself that when it came I had to be all in. “Remember your handstand fear, Anna? This is just like that. You can do this and in the other side is going to be so much joy.” That mental peptalk again. Then here she came, my wave. I knew it was mine. It was a perfect right hand wave, the peak was just a little bit to my side which would allow for a slightly slower take off. I spun around and started paddling. I looked back just once to make sure I was in good positioning and when I felt the way is lift me I went for it. I popped up and looked around on the face of this giant wave, so much water above and below! I made my way down the face, managed the bottom turn, made the section and rode that wave till she ended with a giant smile. A few cheers from other surfers in the water added to my elation. I hopped back down in my board and paddled back to the shore. Fear, faced.

Here is yet another moment where if I had allowed fear to keep me from trying I would’ve never had that experience of the wave. My fear would’ve, again, kept me from experiencing joy. This lesson is continual. It’s not some thing I will only learn once and then never have to learn again. Its something I will have continuously explore as a discovered other aspects of my life where fear is holding me back, in my relationships, my work. These aspects I find even harder since emotions and heart are at stake. This requires putting my self out there, simply put, being vulnerable. But on the other side of that, I know, I trust, is expansion and depth, making what is already rich even richer.