When Just Letting Go Doesn't Work

I thought that full healing would look like ‘letting go’ or releasing the trauma completely, and maybe I’ll get there someday. But for now I’m in a phase of accepting. Acknowledging each experience leaves an imprint on the heart-mind, some of experiences leave deeply carved relics that can influence our perception of self and others and of new experiences. I’ve been attempting to be keenly aware, noticing when my perception has been influenced by this deep imprint, clouded and filtered, I am not in the pure experience, it’s been filtered through my life layers. Through this process I’ve been able to notice how far the tentacles of the deep impression have weaved into my life, in these moments I’m quieter, examining my knee jerk reactions and choosing to not react but to observe the thought pattern and track it to its source. So instead of a let go I’m in an examination phase, holding it up and looking at it from all angles, turning it in the light so I can be more familiar with it in order to be able to identify it. The deep imprints on our consciousness (samskaras) can be caused by anything. Something that happened to you as a kid, a trauma, a loss, something you saw in a magazine, something your mom said to your dad, something your dad didn’t say to your mom, they can be a collection of experiences or one. I’m not sure we can ever erase these imprints completely but we can sand them down so the bumps become smoother and less disruptive. It’s like water over rock, with consistency and time the water can change the shape of the rock.